So lately I’ve been just trying to figure out my life. I think I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been planning my future all on my own. When I first started learning about missionaries and hearing their stories I was in awe. I was so impressed and moved by their lives and how God lived through them. I sparked a passion and desire in my heart. So I then ended up here at BCF. I didn’t know exactly what I would do in life, I just knew I loved missionaries and wanted to learn more. I wanted to be one. Now somewhere along this path I’ve lost my passion for this, to the point of where I was highly considering changing my major. And right before I was going to e-mail Dr. Jumper to make an appointment to talk to him about it. I just had a feeling that I shouldn’t and I need to just stick with my major. So I did and lately I’ve been seeing my desire for mission to come back. Somewhere within the past two years I had decided (on my own, I might add) that I was going to be a missionary in North America and that I wasn’t called over sea’s. Now I’m not sure (or can’t remember) how I came to this conclusion. But I think God is just looking into my heart now and seeing all my plans and my desires and my dreams. And that’s a little scary. When I became a Christian at almost 16 I fully gave God my life. I happily wanted his will because mine was about to kill me…literally. And those days I remember having to deal with some really hard things, but at the same time I was so joyful letting God direct me. It was different, and I fought it from time to time. But in the end when I let go of all my plans I saw God’s hand leading me. And I was never happier. Around that time is when I felt called to be a missionary. I didn’t know much about God or theology. But I knew I wanted to be able to let God lead and live through me and to share with others. Slowly for about two years now I’ve been taking my life back. I slowly started making my own plans and dreams because it’s what I wanted and everything I wanted would make me happy and in the end glorify me.
Now that I’ve come to the realization that for the past two years I have been making my own plans, God is telling me to surrender my plans and dreams and hopes. They all are serving my needs. They are all selfish. So I’m scared one, to tell people that everything I’ve been telling them isn’t true. (pride issue) and two, that I’m back to nothing but trust and telling God “I’ll go” even though I don’t know what or where.
God, I am SO selfish and am living for myself. I struggle with giving you the glory because my flesh so badly wants it for itself. Lord, help me to know you and glorify YOU. Help me see that I am nothing unless you are my all. Continue to break me down so all I can depend on is you. I’ve been playing it so safe with you in fear that you will break me and I will lose all the comforts I have right now. But Lord, PLEASE take them away. Help me to realize I can’t live without you and that YOU are the only think I need! , help me to bring back the missionary heart you gave me back in high school! I don’t want to throw that miracle away! I want to glorify you. Help me to let go of the pride and selfishness and self centeredness. I want to be God centered. I want people to see how you Jesus suffered to save us from ourselves and death. Thank you Jesus for the life you have freely given to me, you are my greatest sacrifice. I love you and just want to glorify you in the time I have on this earth. Amen.
