.delightful. August 27, 2007

Delightful: Greatly pleasing; giving great pleasure or delight; highly pleasing.

Every once in awhile the Lord places a word in my heart. For about the past year and a half it has been love, and through that my life has completely changed. I seriously am not the same person I was a year ago and I am so thankful for that. Now as of Sunday it seems to be the word delightful. I haven’t really even had the time to look into the word yet. But I have this overwhelming sense of wanting a delightful relationship with Jesus. I don’t want to be ok with a mediocre relationship with him. I don’t want to have to convince anyone that I am in love with Jesus. I want them to look at me or know me and say wow look at how she delights in Christ! This Sunday I just knew that I was missing this in my relationship with Christ. As I looked around the church and i guess I just observed the people and I felt sorry for them. They were not delighting in Christ while worshiping, they just felt so luke warm I guess would help describe it. And seeing that I just said…that is not what I want…I know that Jesus wants to be delightful to me (us) and I’m going to let that in. I don’t want to push away something that is joyful and pleasing. I think I remember someone telling me that Jesus delights in us and after looking up the English definition that makes me smile. So I’m not sure everything I’m going to learn through just this one word…but i am really excited. After learning about love I have so much trust and faith that Jesus will change me through this and strengthen our relationship.

On another note, at work I have been building a relationship with my assistant manager (Marsha) who is 52 i believe. Yesterday the Lord just really opened her up and it just seems that she has more trust in me and I am so excited because I know that I am going to be able to continue to “do life with her”, to love her, and to minister to her. Its crazy to me that God put a women who has so much life experience in my path to share with her. I just would have never thought that could happen. I guess I thought it could be a college, high school or middle school girl. I mean i’m only 21…its just crazy but in an amazing way.

more on delight in the future…

Leaving Soon July 11, 2007

I am so excited that were leaving for NY in like a week and a half! I can’t wait. I’ve been reading Andrew Mann’s blogs. He’s the main guy at Graffitti 2 minitries. He writes about gangs and shootings that pretty much happen right outside his apartment. I think he’s the only white guys in his neighborhood. It amazes me at how the people respect him and accept him their. It gives me the chills at how God obviously placed him there. Reading some of the stuff that has happened through his ministry is so GOD. That’s the only way to describe it. I love that there is someone in such a hard neighborhood showing God’s love to these children who so desperatly need to know of God’s love and that their is a savior.

I’m sooooo thankful that I get the opportunity to help out. It stinks that its only for a week. But I just can’t wait to meet the kids and build as much of a relationship with them as I can. And I can’t wait to have fun with them and laugh with them and see them smiling and forgeting if just for a couple hours of the horrors of their everyday life. I also can’t wait for the opportunity to talk to their parents when they come by to pick them up ro drop them off. Its crazy  how God will draw people before you even get their and all of a sudden someone open ups to you and wants to know more about Jesus.

I’m praying about where to do my internship this coming summer and this place is one of the places I’m praying about. So when I go it will either be a yes or a no…we’ll find out

Were leaving July 2oth for Atlanta and then catching a flight to NY Saturday afternoon.

I want to move up north! May 25, 2007

So on Wednesday Aimee and I started our adventure up the east coast. From Jacksonville Florida to Cape Cod Mass. It was really fun. I love driving and I love being able to see scenery as you drive. Going through NYC and then Connecticut was my favorite! NYC just fascinates me and then Conn. is beautiful! All the tree’s its so green and makes me feel like I can breathe better. There’s something about the North that I love and it makes me smile. Maybe it is because I spent the first part of my life up here. I don’t know, but i like it

We stopped at a hotel in Virginia; we made it their at 9:01 pm…just in time to watch lost! haha it made me laugh. We were running down the hallway to get to our room. Then the next day we headed out for the last part of the trip (my favorite) The only part I didn’t like was the fact i was 34 miles away from Philly at one point! I wanted to go soo bad! That’s what I don’t like about driving, it makes you realize all that your missing. When you fly you don’t really think about it. If Iwould have had more money I would have definitely stopped in PA. I haven’t been there in at least 5 years!

So its been good so far. Today were just going to take it easy, we went out to the beach for a little, then got some coffee at Honey Dew.  I can’t wait to go to Boston. I told Aimee if I only see one thing I want to see Boston College. My whole life since I was little I wanted to go to school their. And seeing that didn’t happen I at least want to go visit!

Well that’s all for now

missions May 1, 2007

       So lately I’ve been just trying to figure out my life. I think I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been planning my future all on my own. When I first started learning about missionaries and hearing their stories I was in awe. I was so impressed and moved by their lives and how God lived through them. I sparked a passion and desire in my heart. So I then ended up here at BCF. I didn’t know exactly what I would do in life, I just knew I loved missionaries and wanted to learn more. I wanted to be one. Now somewhere along this path I’ve lost my passion for this, to the point of where I was highly considering changing my major. And right before I was going to e-mail Dr. Jumper to make an appointment to talk to him about it. I just had a feeling that I shouldn’t and I need to just stick with my major. So I did and lately I’ve been seeing my desire for mission to come back. Somewhere within the past two years I had decided (on my own, I might add) that I was going to be a missionary in North America and that I wasn’t called over sea’s. Now I’m not sure (or can’t remember) how I came to this conclusion. But I think God is just looking into my heart now and seeing all my plans and my desires and my dreams. And that’s a little scary. When I became a Christian at almost 16 I fully gave God my life. I happily wanted his will because mine was about to kill me…literally. And those days I remember having to deal with some really hard things, but at the same time I was so joyful letting God direct me. It was different, and I fought it from time to time. But in the end when I let go of all my plans I saw God’s hand leading me. And I was never happier. Around that time is when I felt called to be a missionary. I didn’t know much about God or theology. But I knew I wanted to be able to let God lead and live through me and to share with others. Slowly for about two years now I’ve been taking my life back. I slowly started making my own plans and dreams because it’s what I wanted and everything I wanted would make me happy and in the end glorify me.            

       Now that I’ve come to the realization that for the past two years I have been making my own plans, God is telling me to surrender my plans and dreams and hopes. They all are serving my needs. They are all selfish. So I’m scared one, to tell people that everything I’ve been telling them isn’t true. (pride issue) and two, that I’m back to nothing but trust and telling God “I’ll go” even though I don’t know what or where.           

        God, I am SO selfish and am living for myself. I struggle with giving you the glory because my flesh so badly wants it for itself. Lord, help me to know you and glorify YOU. Help me see that I am nothing unless you are my all. Continue to break me down so all I can depend on is you. I’ve been playing it so safe with you in fear that you will break me and I will lose all the comforts I have right now. But Lord, PLEASE take them away. Help me to realize I can’t live without you and that YOU are the only think I need! , help me to bring back the missionary heart you gave me back in high school! I don’t want to throw that miracle away! I want to glorify you. Help me to let go of the pride and selfishness and self centeredness. I want to be God centered. I want people to see how you Jesus suffered to save us from ourselves and death. Thank you Jesus for the life you have freely given to me, you are my greatest sacrifice. I love you and just want to glorify you in the time I have on this earth. Amen.

New Car? April 30, 2007

So Armond told me the other day that he found a 2000 cavalier that just needs a new engine or something…and the people are going to give it to him for 200 dollars. Then he just has to replace the engine. The rest of the car is in great condition from what he said. So I’m really hoping/praying that I can get this car. My car is definitely on the road to dying any time now. I really need a reliable car so i can get a full time job this summer. And that will last me through the rest of my school. The car is a standard…which i have to idea how to drive, but I’m more then willing to learn seeing as i really need a car and it’s better on gas. So hopefully God will allow this to happen and by the next time i go home i can get it….It’s really all up to Armond though and if my parents can afford it…which they think they can as of right now. I’ll talk to them more about it this week.

Well I have two papers to write by tomorrow So i should go. I want to write more about what’s been going on at church and with the girls and stuff… but i’ll have to do that at a later time

.lauren.

loving. traveling. observing. building relationships. April 21, 2007

So i’ve been thinking and praying a lot about traveling…i’ve come to the realization that maybe its okay that i’m not sure where i’m going after college…or in life in general. It always bothered me when people would tell me that they knew exactly where they were going and doing for the rest of their life….i guess it made me feel inferior to them because I didn’t know what the crap I was doing or where I was going to live. My thing is, a like a lot of stuff. I like art and photography and missions and office jobs and cute little cafe’s. I like city’s and suburbs and a little country and other countries. I don’t see myself really settiling down anywhere anytime soon. I’m single, young, don’t have any attachments to anyone or thing. I’m not stuck in a certain place…its like i have the world at my finger tips and I can decide to go anywhere and do anything. Yes money is definatly a main factor in traveling….but i want to see the world. There’s so much more then the south or north to life. There’s whole other countries and millions of different cultures! I want to see them. I don’t want to just know selfish america (don’t get me wrong I love it! and love traveling around here too) I want to see how other people live and see how God created other people and how their lives are going. I love to observe. I am extremlly good at that. So loving and traveling and observing and building relationships is what I want to do. I’m going to take advantage of the freedom I have in life right now. Of course I want to settle down and have a family and kids one day. I can’t wait to experience falling in love, getting married and building that relationship until I die. But that’s not now and i’m not going to be a girl that is letting the world pass her by while she’s waiting on prince charming to show up. And I don’t want the guy i’m going to marry to be sitting around just thinking about getting married and never get to experience life and people.(reminds me of some people at my school! you don’t have to be married to experience life!!!!!! or do things in life or do ministry!!) I want him to be passionate about life. God’s stiring this passion for people in my heart and I’m LOVING it! I’m weeding through my meaness and unmerciful and selfish ways and seeing people more for who they really are…which are a people who Christ is passionately seeking…how awesome is it to know that every face you look into is being pursued by Christ and He desiring a relationship for them! I can’t fully understand that but it makes me excited and freaks me out at the same time…haha

well anyway…i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and uh i finally had words to get some of it out

So this weeked my parents and two little brothers are coming into town. Armond is going to try and fix my car….i’m hoping that he can get it to work because its killing me not having a car…or being able to get a job. Kevin’s birthday is on sunday, I bought a cookie cake and some balloons today at walmart…so were gonna have a little party for him on saturday night while their in town.

.silence. April 19, 2007

So i’m in this weird place on this journey right now. And I don’t know how to explain it.

The only thing that comes close to me explaining it is, relating it to Cameron Diaz role in The Holiday. Her character can’t cry. Thoughout the movie you see her trying to (quite comical I may add). That is exactly how I feel. Not about crying, because I don’t have a very hard time crying. But in explaining or talking about what’s going on in my life. I usually don’t have a hard time with that…and i’m very open about telling people. But lately I just don’t have words.

I keep a journal and I write down everything from prayers, to daily events in life, to lyrics etc. Usually I can write pages at a time. But lately they’ve been less that one page. Its weird.

There is this “thing” stiring inside of me. I can’t pinpoint what it is.

It kind of feels like when you have a crush on someone and you get done having a good conversation with them…and you go home and just scream at the top of your lungs….because you just can’t hold in your happiness (so maybe i’m the only one…haha but i’m cool with that)

I just can’t find what I want to scream in joy about…

Nyc and Beauty April 12, 2007

As some of you may know, last summer I went on a mission trip to NYC. It was the only mission trip where I felt Satan was trying to sabotage the whole trip. And to be honest I let him do a pretty good job of it. I believed lies throughout the whole trip and by the time I returned to Florida I was ready to forget I ever went and had come to the conclusion that God would never let me go back. It was really sad for me because I had been so excited about going and really thought that God wanted me to serve their. Now don’t get me wrong, the trip definitely had its highlights and I was able to pray and minister to some hurting and searching people, and I will never forget how I saw God pursuing those people and loving them. It was really amazing.

When I got home from that trip I ended up throwing a good amount of my souvenirs away because I was so frustrated with all the lies I gave in too and believed. I was sure I would never go back. But I was wrong. I have been trying to just forget about that whole situation that happened last summer. But now out of the blue someone invited me to do a mission trip in the Bronx for a week in July. My first thought was I can’t go, God doesn’t want me there. Then as I was just lying on my bed thinking about NYC I started getting more and more excited about it and I started to remember all the things I loved about it and my original excitement for going to NYC. So I decided that I would go. As the days have been passing the more I have been getting excited about it. Today I wanted to really figure out why I was going. Was it just because I wanted to do it?  

Some people think of nature when they think of beauty. They see green hills, or mountains and lakes, or maybe the peaceful beach scenes. I will completely agree that I sit in awe when I see things like that, and I love seeing how God created beauty in nature. However, when I think of NYC I think beauty. Some times I even question myself….how can you think of buildings and sidewalks and honking horns and the smell of trash are beauty. Well it’s not so much the surroundings, it’s the people. I stand in this city with millions of people from all over the world and I see God’s beauty and love when I look at them. God created us! We are his beautiful creation! We are his priority and his people. He loves us and is passionately pursuing us; chasing us with his unconditional love. I look around at all the different people from so many places and see a God who has created them with meaning and purpose and for love. I see people who are hurting and searching for something. They don’t even know what it is, but they are seeking. And I see a God who can’t wait for someone love them and tell them about him; A God who has called me to tell them of his love and grace, and how he sent his only son to earth to die on the cross for all our sins and who rose again, so we can have life. So we may enter into a personal relationship with him. I honestly care about these people. I know people are everywhere…but there’s something about this city that just captures my heart. And I have the opportunity now for a week to pour out my heart into children in theBronx.

So this is why I’m going, because I am joining God in wanting them to have a personal relationship with him, to experience truth and love. If you would pray for this trip I would appreciate it greatly! It is going to be amazing and would love your support. I’m sure I will have more to write as the dates get closer, I can’t wait to go! J